Spam that (American) Civil War soldiers would have received had the technology been available (and had Spam the canned meat been invented for which spam could be named):
ENGORGE YOUR MALE ORGAN
BE IN RECEIPT OF DEPICTIONS OF HUSSIES!
and that all-time classic:
"Kind SIR, I am currently in the possession of the Estate of the late Joseph Smith, Esquire, keeper of many Fair Plantations in Fair Georgia. I had dispatched a courier with haste only to find that he had fallen in the recent calamity without making a WILL. I plead with you that, as a gentleman of good standing, you should stand in the stead of Mr Smith's heirs in the claiming of the Estate. I await your response with an address by which you may be contacted."
(Inspired by McSweeney's E-mail shorthand for Civil War soldiers bit)
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