Sunday, 12 September 2004

How to watch a movie in Singapore

1. Buy tickets. This is easy. Call the movie ticket hotline. Enter 1. Then 1 again. Then 2-7-6-9, for the hell of it. Then the 4-digit code of your movie. If you don't know the code, listen to the helpful woman read out the movie names. If you're wondering what the hell she said, that was her attempt to pronounce the name of that foreign film you want to see. Stop being so pretentious. Select the movie. Press 1. Press 3-2-4-3. Press 9-2-7-4. Press charges. Enter your 16-digit credit card number, 4-digit expiration date (which is technically not a date, but a month), 7-digit identity card number, 6-digit postal code, date of birth, spouse's date of birth, and the date of birth of person you're watching the movie with, you no good cheating bastard. Made a mistake? No problem. Just start all over again!

2. Before the show, buy popcorn and Coke. Buy the largest Coke you can find. How else will you have enough fluid in you to need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the movie?

3. Hang around the lobby until about 15 minutes after showtime. Walk in as the ads finish and the movie starts and climb over everyone's legs. Spill some popcorn on the couple next to you. Remember, the reason people go to cinemas instead of watching DVDs is the whole movie-going experience!

4. Bring your kids! People find it endearing when children ask "mummy, why the bad guy like that?" And everyone shares in the fun when children kick others in front! If you can't bring kids in because you're watching an R(A) movie, you're a pervert.

5. People yearn to hear key points of plot development rehashed. Explain everything to the person you're watching the movie with. If you've seen the movie before, help your friend along by telling him or her what's going to happen.

6. Keep up with movie-watching protocol in Singapore. If the world is ending in the movie, shake your head and make a 'tsk tsk' sound. If a couple starts kissing, say "ee-yur" and act ashamed. If a gay couple starts kissing, you're probably not in a Singaporean movie theatre. Check your passport to make sure you haven't accidentally left the country.

7. When the credits roll, the movie is over. Head for the exits. You will probably be in the back of the cineplex, in some obscure part of the building. Repeat to yourself, as you try to find your way back: convenience is for wussies!

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Hahaha. Good one! Don't forget also those who have a secret ambition to be cinema ushers and insist on flashing their blue mobile phone screens intermittently throughout the movie. Of course, they could also be doctors/fireman/pimps/bookies and have urgent/emergency calls to handle and thus have to sms during the movie.

~Melissa.


I was a doctor/bookie once. "I think you have gout" "No I don't, my arm is broken." "Wanna bet?"


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